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Saddle the Fuck Up

October 23, 2011 Leave a comment

Feed that Jukebox Son, I Lost My Heart to a Woman no Bigger’n a Popcorn Fart: Part Two

by Stephanie Vossekuil

Love is a real fucker, ain’t it? And no one knows that more than our favorite country heroes. Last week’s list might have set more of a silly, honky-tonkin’, pickin’ and grinnin’ tone but in this latest installment of Saddle the Fuck Up, we’re gonna dive on into that pure heartache and literally choke on homesickness and downright helplessness. Yes’m let’s get real deep into those country blues and take some time to ponder the days when our twangy forefathers were cranking out real musical sorrow-not the current tear-jerkers falling dangerously short of pass-ability urging all those little southern cuties to save a horse, ride a cowboy.

Maybe you’ve heard them a thousand times, maybe this is your first rodeo. Whatever the case, I hope by the end of it, there will be many a tear in your cold, cold beer.

Lefty Frizzell – Always Late (With Your Kisses)
Stop dickin’ ol’ Lefty around, cowgirl! He’s sad…

Faron Young – Hello Walls
Another classic incident of heartbreak-induced psychosis. Faron is talking to his goddamn house.

Bobby Bare – 500 Miles Away From Home//Detroit City
My vote goes for both of these classic tunes about homesickness and driftin’. Plus, Bobby Bare is a regular badass.

Townes Van Zandt – Waiting Around to Die
Watch this fucking clip from the movie Heartworn Highways. Just tell your friends you have something in your eye.

Tennessee Ernie Ford – 16 Tons
This song is one of the greatest songs recorded, period. It’s somber, gritty, and ass-kicking.

Johnny Bond and His Red River Valley Boys – All I Can Do is Cry
One of the more obscure hillbilly recordings dealing with the hardships of being a ramblin’ man.

Eddy Arnold – You Don’t Know Me
What happens when you’ve been friend-zoned. Hard.

Marty Robbins – They’re Hanging Me Tonight
The man with a tear in his voice always nails the heart-wrenchers. This one is particularly juicy.

Aight, cowfolks! Hope you enjoy. Until next time….

Saddle the Fuck Up

October 10, 2011 Leave a comment

Feed that Jukebox Son, I Lost My Heart to a Woman no Bigger’n a Popcorn Fart: Part One

by Stephanie Vossekuil

Love is a real fucker, ain’t it? And no one knows that more than our favorite country heroes. My last list might have set more of a silly, honky-tonkin’, pickin’ and grinnin’ tone but in this latest installment of Saddle the Fuck Up, we’re gonna dive on into that pure heartache and literally choke on homesickness and downright helplessness. Yes’m let’s get real deep into those country blues and take some time to ponder the days when our twangy forefathers were cranking out real musical sorrow—not the current tear jerkers falling dangerously short of passability urging all those little southern cuties to save a horse, ride a cowboy.

Maybe you’ve heard them a thousand times, maybe this is your first rodeo. Whatever the case, I hope by the end of it, there will be many a tear in your cold, cold beer.

1. Hank Snow – Now and Then (There’s a Fool Such as I)
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, here he is again to regale us with a tune of genuine unrequited love.

2. Patsy Cline – Leavin’ on Your Mind
A woman with many a great sad song, this is one of my favorites. Just leave her already, you dickhead.

3. Skeeter Davis – The End of the World
Nothing like losing your main squeeze to drive you into a suidcidal meltdown.

4. Waylon Jennings – Dreaming My Dreams
Excuse me Mr. Jennings, but I believe I left something in your Wranglers.

5. Tom T. Hall – That’s How I Got to Memphis
Sometimes, you drag your poor heart on a perilous quest for the one you love most.

6. Ray Price – Crazy Arms
Sometimes your only love marries another man and you go bat shit insane. Get them honky tonk blues.

7. Merle Haggard – Silver Wings
That airplane is taking her away from you forever. Now, your only friend is the bottle. Poor bastard.

8. Porter Wagoner – I Thought I Heard You Calling My Name
He’s so heart broken, he’s having auditory hallucinations.

9. Brenda Lee – I’m Sorry
That little girl you’ve been dating is beside herself with distress. And now she’s crying, you asshole.

10. Roger Miller – One Dying and a Buryin’
Freedom through suicide.

Saddle the Fuck Up and Ride in the Presence of True Classic Country

September 26, 2011 Leave a comment

by Stephanie Vossekuil

Amidst a very real obsession for the more putrid and grotesque facets of this life and music at large, I would be doing us a great disservice to neglect the importance of heart-breaking, rabble-rousing, tear-in-your-beer CLASSIC country music. Yes, even though the howling of evil tears through our weary souls, occasionally we must take a step back and relish in a much more simple, albeit purely bad-ass celebrated American musical tradition.

No, I am not alluding to the likes of Tim McGraw or the more recent contemporary country royalty, Lady Antebellum. In fact, I would never recommend Toby Keith to a person who is interested in learning what country music is all about. I’d rather give the toilet seat a nice long tongue bath.

I have been raised on the music for the good ol’ boys ever since I can remember. I am most assuredly biased to a particular era championed by honky tonk heroes like Waylon, Miss Loretta, Lefty, Patsy and Hank. And as I grow increasingly more irritated with the pop Nashville trash, I fear I’m chafing. Thus, I bring to you a playlist of what I feel are some of the most delicious slabs of twang. The goal here is to remember and celebrate shit-kicking tunes or, for those of you that might not be as acquainted with the genre, to give you some of what I feel are the true gems being forgotten; torn away from our sight by a storm of cow pie country songs. Clear away the manure and take that whiskey from the glass.

1. Faron Young – Live Fast, Love Hard, Die Young
Because we all want to leave a lot of happy women thinking purty thoughts of us.

2. George Jones – I’m a People
What is more awesomely redneck than being jealous of a monkey at the zoo because its life is much easier than yours?

3. Billie Jo Spears – Get Behind Me Satan and Push
When your man gets stolen from you by some sassy lassie, you will stop at nothing to tear that bitch down.

4. Jerry Reed – Amos Moses
I mean, Jerry Reed is a guitar pickin’ son of gun that should be enjoyed by all, but this classic track is essential to any fan of these old dead white guys. Moral of the story, don’t go in the fucking swamp to trap alligator skins. You will not emerge the victor. Common sense is a state law.

5. Statler Brothers – You Can’t Have Your Kate and Edith Too
For those of you that appreciate a little good clean country humor, tasteful vocal harmonies, and songs telling off that asshole friend trying to have his girl and mack on yours at the same time. Bad form, you rascal.

6. Loretta Lynn – Fist City
That is where you will go if you continue to try and harp on her man. Miss Loretta is not opposed to givin’ you a passionate ass whoopin’ for interfering with her sex life.

7. Waylon Jennnings – Lonesome, Onry, and Mean
Get off your ass and jam. Outlaw country is a must.

8. David Allen Coe – Willie, Waylon, and Me
He knows a thing or two about life on the road and Texas one-night stands.

9. Hank Williams – Ramblin’ Man
Goddamnit if Hank can’t sing a sad song!

10. Hank Snow – I Don’t Hurt Anymore
You are stronger than that heartache, boy. Let the man who’s been everywhere dry your tears.

11. Roger Miller – You Can’t Rollerskate in a Buffalo Herd
The man is a genius. And he has some important life lessons to share with us through this silly, drunkenly jovial tune. Chug-A-Lug, buckaroo!

Until next time, YEEEEHHHHAAAAWWW!