Home > Tales of the Weird > Last Night the DJ Blocked My C*#k

Last Night the DJ Blocked My C*#k

DJBlock

by Mat Weir

There I was, sitting on my stool in the back of the Blue Lagoon, working my regular, weekly coatcheck job (I know, it’s surprising to hear us working class stiffs in Santa Cruz have to work several jobs so we can scrape by. Believe it or not, retail and freelance journalism don’t pay, har har). The gig rides a fine line of being incredibly easy yet outrageously demanding, however, the perks include four hours of hanging out with my friends and having cute, tipsy women flirt with me as they wait in the always-ludicrously-long bathroom line.

On this particular Saturday, an attractive, late-20s to early 30-something blonde woman in an age-appropriate, black party dress was waiting in line and struck up a conversation with me. We discussed art, entertainment, her job and how she doesn’t like to drink but her friends dragged her out, over the course of two different meetings. Everything seemed to be going fine until she approached me the third and final time.

“Hey, so it was really great meeting you,” she said with disappointment. “But, the music sucks here and there’s nobody on the dance floor, so my friends want to hit Motiv.”

Yes, that’s right, the DJ cock-blocked me.

So the next time you (or your friend) decide to take the reigns over someone else’s night via the Soundtrack of Our Lives, here are a couple of tips to remember from an outsider’s perspective. After all, it’s the people on the dance floor and at the bar spending money that will determine whether your night becomes a weekly or a flop.

1. Don’t play dated music. If you’re bumping jams that reference “Myspace,” it better be on a retro night. Other than that, start surfing YouTube for new music, bro.

2. Don’t be afraid to explore new sub-genres. Following rule #1, you don’t have to actually enjoy any new music, but it helps. Keeping up with current trends not only keeps your DJ skills sharp, but you might stumble upon the next big trend before other people pick up on it. Who doesn’t want to be known as the DJ spinning the hottest shit before it blows up?

3. Speaking of blowing up, blasting the system as loud as you can will not make up for lack of bodies on the dance floor. Trust me bro, the people in the other room at the bar already know you’re DJing and the fact that they haven’t moved from their stools will not change the louder your blowout the speakers.

4. If you see people leaving your floor, it’s one of two things: drink/bathroom/smoke break, or the track you’re playing sucks. Know the difference and have backup songs ready just in case you actually have no idea what you’re doing.

5. Give a little shout-out to the barback and coatcheck people. This one isn’t really a tip as it is good manners. We have shitty, thankless jobs cleaning up after everyone and your set might’ve just cost us a phone number or maybe more.

Photo by Mixtribe (CC-By)

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  1. Nick
    March 5, 2015 at 4:47 pm

    Why didn’t you just get her number?

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